Happy Person

People always tell me..

"Manda, smile."
"you look really pretty when u do that u know?"
"why do u always look so sad?"

Maybe.. I'm really, not a happy person.
Do they actually think that I choose to be that way? That I actually enjoy being unhappy?
Maybe.. a part of me do..
Maybe.. He's right, I'm just easily overpowered by my own feelings. And let them take over me.
But it's not like I love it. It's no fun.
It's tiring. Depressing. Cold and lonely. Eventhough there are people out there concerning about me.. I'll still feel alone and sad. Because I'm being pessimistic?
or again..
Maybe.. This is just me.. Not an excuse to linger in negativity and avoid resposibilities.. but.. it can be really inspiring. Maybe.. I'm just.. eccentric.

Alot of artists, designers are I believe. These artistic people can be simply weird. Probably they just don't use left brains as often so.. yea.. That makes them really different.
But deep inside.. They are human too u noe?
They breath like u do.. and have feelings like everyone. They're just slightly different. Human beings are being molded to adapt to the norms. They have perceptions like, "people should live like this, guys should behave like this, girls should wear like that, so things like such.."

Who said so? Who told u it's wrong to do it differently? Who is there to tell what is really right and wrong anyway? Who? What is right and wrong then? Who is there to prove anything really?

Just because "they" do so.. it doesn't mean that it's right and everybody else should follow.

*before i get carried away..*

Maybe.. one of the reason.. (simplest reason i could give u, my dear..) is that.. i may not like how my eyes squints when i laugh too hard.

Secondly, I am a person who wouldn't stop thinking and worries a whole damn lot from top to bottom, left to right A to Z. It's just me to worry and hope for everything to go right and wallows when things doesn't. Annoying?

AT LEAST. At least.. I'm aware of this. And I know it's bad. And I try very hard to change. but then again.. sometimes i wonder..

why am i even changing?

for what?

for who?

why?

Is it wrong really?
Who said so?

Maybe.. I'm not doing it for myself anymore.. I'm doing for people i love.. That's why. I love them. They'll be devastated to see me so sad. And i love them therefore i don't want them to be this way. Be happy for someone.

Behind the Curtains

More than a week ago..

Meeting

Was opening the gate, don't know what made me tilted my head up. There she was, on the roof. Hesitating to jump, or not. She picked up her kitten with her mouth, walked back and forth and dropped it again. And repeated the same action.

I closed the gate. I stood there and just watched. I was worried. She sensed me looking at her. She stopped and stared back. I think now she's worried too. But I don't want to scare her or anything, I just went in to the house. Thinking.. that she would, in time, get her baby and herself down. When her kitten is much older. Just not now, 'cause she's afraid she might hurt her kitten if she jumps all d way from the roof. My roof.

Window View

was chillin' in the room when...

My brother knocked on the door and asked me to look out the window from my room. I wonder why. And even now I'm wondering why did I even listen to him then. What can it be possibly interesting over there? It's a boring window. Really. No view at all. Just the roof. My room is located behind the roof of the 1st storey. So i won't be able to see anything from there except for the red stained roof tiles. And the sky. Period.

But now I'm glad I did listen to him.

I got up, and lifted the curtain.

There they were.. kitten jumping and prancing around trying to catch mom's tail. Mom was playing along too. They were having fun playing with each other on the roof now outside my room. Outside my window. And a slight smile appeared on my face.. after those days.. after those tiring-always-forcing-a-mile-face. A certain warmth.

And then she saw me again. She stopped. She was still. As still as a rock. She stared straight into my eyes again. Like she did the first time. Kitten was playing on it's own until he saw me too. Ran behind mom and hid.

I backed out. I don't want them to fear me. I closed the curtain.

And now, once in a while.. I hear noises from the roof. Jumping and prancing. Even mewing at times. I would check the window once in a while now.Throwing out chicken hams too once I saw them. She wouldn't eat it of course. Not until she is SURE that I am gone. Once she sees me there, she stares at the very spot she saw me. For hours. Still. Not a move. Even the glowing eyes wouldn't move.

I often wonder how they are. Where they are. I'm quite sure kitten will always be around where mom will be out once in a while to get food? (Sounds familiar)

When it rains..the mewing get's louder. I know they would normally be on the other side of the roof. Which is outside mom's room. They'll be sitting there shivering underneath the aircond. The motor/engine whatever crap u call that which is fixed on the wall on the otherside of the aircond. @.@ if u know what the HELL am i trying to say here. ANYWAY, they use that as a shelter.

Upclose

Returning from college again. Walking into my house, she stood there. Now I can see.. Her eyes are two-toned. Blue and yellow. Skinny. But kitten was worse. I can tell even from afar. But she was scared too. I let out a "cat-call" at her. She "mewed back". An unfriendly one that is.. So I just walked away.

Now, it's been days. Weeks. They're still here. Living on my roof. Part of me was hoping that they won't migrate. Even when they suceeded landing together with kitty. But it seems like mom and dad thinks otherwise. According to the ancestors, cats coming to houses brings bad luck. Opossing from the dogs. Which believes to bring good luck instead. (we had that many times before too. but that's another story. even tortise. no my house is not an animal shelter mind u. although i love them.)

But guess what? It was a party the night before on my roof! "The felines partay on da roof!!" yay~

Well, not really. There 2 big cats and maybe even 2 kittens that night on our roof. Now my parents decided to get rid of them. Yup, the bad luck matter and mom HATES cats.

I heard that they wanna spray water on them.
So dad did. Yesterday. We returned home and there they were again. Mom was feeding kitten something mouth to mouth. I couldnt deny it. It was really sweet. They gave me the smile again.

I was there.Witnessed the situation.

Dad picked up the water hose and started firing at them. They were petrified. Ran, kitten went to the left and mom jumped up to the neighbour's roof. Theye couldn't see each other. The water stopped.

They were mewing. And mewing, and mewing. Calling out for each other. Asking where they are. No where to be seem only heard. Crying out, sadly.

My heart ached.

Kitten ran out and caught mom's sight. Mom went to him.

I said, "It's horrible really. Very cruel." and dad looking at them and said "Go away la... Come down la..*sigh* U stay here for what? Go la..." he knew I cant stand this. "I put the ladder right there from them that day. They wouldnt come down."

Of course they wont. They waited for me to dissappear then only they finshed my ham.

I just walked back into the house. Turned back and saw dad trying very hard to make a scary face at them. *swt*sigh* I shook my head.

He just want to get rid of them.

But some things I know for sure. Now everytime i return home, i would look up at the roof. To see if they are there. Normally they will. And secondly, the window view is not boring anymore. Whether they are still there or not.. may not be the point, because of them being there once, painted a picture in my mind and lifted a smile on my face at that very moment. It used to be dull. Mundane. Everytime i lift that curtain, i look out, i feel "cooped-up". (considering it's a room size of a closet.)

Now whenever I lift the curtain, behind it, I don't see just the stained-red roof-tiles anymore, but a picture of "a kitten who was jumping and prancing around trying to catch it's mom's tail."

From Scratch

Fed up with the previous "Friendster" blog. Making me SNAP from time to time. Been here a couple of times, registering halfway i would give up. I wonder why. But here I go starting up a new one because I just cant stand the lousy system of the old one anymore.