Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow
Monday, February 06, 2012
"Mmmm......", leaked a soft purr from the depths of my throat...
The enticing aroma, so seductive and incredibly irresistible.
Despite my cautious sips, fail it did to stop the burning sensations on the tip of my tongue; Tiny gulps of bittersweet-ness sends a rush of heat through my body, leaving a moment of warmth, comfort and calmness...
While a shot of clearance kicks in my head triggered a boost of energy, and the subtle, almost an artificial intoxication envelopes me; projecting little twinkles from my eyes that slowly shifted themselves gazing upon yours...
"Chocolate, men, coffee - some things are better rich." ~Author Unknown
Whenever I read, or see something, or hear something, feel something, anything, that gives me a special feeling. An overwhelming one, a touching one, an inspiring one, or even the sad or angry ones.. well they are strong, so they matter. And at that moment, it feels important. And I'd want to keep them, remember them at least. So I wish I could write about it, jot them down somehow, and keep them to be looked back into, reminisce and feel it again.
So this time around, I am doing it. Maybe not the first time on my blog but it definitely has been a long time.
I was reading Paulo Coelho (yes, I am still not done reading yet.)
And today, I like this:
"...as he was walking down a street, he saw a house of ruins. 'That building is me.' he thought, and at that precise moment, he felt an immense desire to rebuild the house." - (Title: Rebuilding the House) Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho
I just stopped writing. Without knowing the reason why.
Even when I had all the time in the world, idle and bored, I do feel like writing, telling something to the world wide virtual space beings out there... sharing something. But then I didn't know what about? What am I going to write? Are there anything inspiring?
But it's so empty and neglected and cold and lonely lately.
But here I am at work, nothing to do, and it has forced me to write... at least something?
I'm feeling groggy and tired. Popped some fever medication.
I got up at 7-ish this morning thinking that it was 7 in the evening..... I know I need more sleep.
But I don't feel like staying home. I wanna get out..
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
It felt like I have stumbled and fall too many times of my liking...
Yet, though with struggles, I always bound to stand up again and start anew. With so much love and support, I have no excuse not to and disappointing them who are important to me is the last thing I wanna do in my life.
This time around, I am starting all over again.
With less expectations and pressure I try to apply onto myself, I want to start off like a clean sheet again.
In this new environment of kids and new kind of work (still within my knowledge, skills and capability), I wish to grow more, learn more and definitely give it my best but with much more passion and with a new way of looking at my job.
Today will be my first day of work. (With no sleep TT) BUT I am still gonna give it my all...
P/s: Thank you 'dear' for your support and wishes. <3>
It was late when I got up yesterday in the evening.
Since my days are idle now, I got up a few times and checked my idle phone to fine empty messages and phone calls... which only added up to my boredom and I was simply reluctant to get up and feel bored for the rest of the day.
But when I entered my bathroom to freshen up, I heard a little boy but I wasn't not sure which one (since the family who lives next door has four sons), one of them, the cutest one whose about 5 or 6 years old I'm assuming named Brian, was singing...
You are my sunshine,My only sunshine,
You make me happy, When skies are grey,
You never know dear, How much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away...
He kept repeating it again and again but kept mixing up the lyrics after that and making up his own words with a mixture of plenty gigglings and laughter with other kids' voices.
:) I can't help but giggle with him while I listen with a grin.
I thank 'him' for making me think of happy things, people I love and especially the person who's in my head the most right now and all that, that brings that smile to my face.
And most of all, to make my day all sunny again after all these unhappy days.
Nothing could tickle my heart and lift it up than to hear a child sing.
And here is 'You Are My Sunshine' by Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan. (Which doesn't sound so happy as I thought the song should be. Enjoy :))
Beautiful soft lines and whimsical colours form her illustrations - depicting nostalgia, woolgathering thoughts with a hint of innocence and a twist of the minds.
I am FINALLY going for a REAL holiday trip this coming Sunday! XD okay, it may only be Singapore which I've been before but!! IT's A VACATION for *toot*'s sake!!!
Anyway, I have finally succeeded tuning back my sleeping time. Well... until now TT (looks at the time) but the fact that I am awake in the day makes me feel sleepy and tired all the time??!?! WHYY???!!
Maybe my body is still not adjusted to it yet? BUt it's so hardd.... it makes me wanna sleep all the time and no matter how much I get after I woke up.. I still want moreeeee...!!
But I can feel really tired even when I am about to fall asleep. My whole body will sink... and then my dreams.. oh gosh. I have been dreaming so much that my gf told me that I was talking in my sleeeeppp!! *GASP* And apparently... I even let out a cry! >< I bet I freaked her out (LOL)
But the dreams are so messed up and it makes me feel funny, weird and I find them really interesting XD I can;t really decipher them properly, really... well it's hard to remember them now already. I regret not talking about them here while I remembered. I probably will if I dream later XD well if they are *coughs* decent ones ><>
For now I think I only remember a vague face of some guy ><>
And I think he was wearing this.. um.. not very flattering striped green and black T?? @@ long sleeve I guess? * ARGGHH*
Oh well, my head is hurting now cos this vampire-like "ME" was trying so hard to sleep at night and wake up in the day. Now I shall hit the sack and try to be normal for once.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Things passed in a blink. Too unexpected and overwhelming that I can't even sit through it properly and decipher them in my mind to blog about it.
I am tired of complaining. Whining. I 'whine' so much that once an ex colleague asked if she should give me cheese to go with it.
I am even sick of myself to talk about how my last attempt in my plans didn't work out. Probably my intention in pursuing that particular job wasn't exactly right. I was desperate for one and needed money. It didn't work out. And I was really sad.
I am currently idle again. And I won''t say I am enjoying it, but I do think I need some time to clear my mind about things. Really, really sit down with myself, go through them, get myself back together and start a fresh. I have been contemplating about this, or get another job since I need $$ desperately too, for my car, for daily expenses. I really hate to ask from my family as I never do. Since most of the time they pay for everything I need. I live with them, eat together. What more can I ask for? So at least if I want to spend on things that I want, I get them myself.
A friend has been staying with me for a week. As she needs me, I stay with her as much as I can. I am not saying that this is getting in my way to do my work but it's delayed and I feel like crap now.
I need to re-organise myself, my things, plans, and life then I could start anew to achieve what I want most.
For now, I'll want to take the time I have to be inspired all over again in writing, in painting (am learning from a very helpful & kind wife/friend of mine) and I really don't want to disappoint her as I have been really late in my submission of works :( I gotta work much harder. And get my room revamp a.s.a.p so I could work more comfortably and blab about it here :) I can't wait!
Looking at my clutter and trash-like room makes me suffocate now TT
Oh, btw. Birthday was over and it was strangely quiet. But all good :) The birthday messages were enough to make me feel on top of the world. Hah.
Stumbled onto this movie with zero idea on what's it about and it turned out, to serendipitously sweep me off my feet. Yes, I was ignorant enough to not know the movie I was gonna watch was the novel I always spot in the bookstores I roam all the time. And they never caught my attention 'cause I didn't know it was about vampires TT or else... Hmm... normally the book covers will do the trick to get me
grabbing them in the 1st place. So... could it be the cover is not attractive enough to my liking? ><>
(p/s: this image above is a wallpaper I found from Google Images so feel free to save it up and start ogling over the sexy vampires!: Emmet, Alice, Edward, Bella, Jasper, Rosalie)
I really love just how they portray the 'vampires' in this movie. It doesn't show all the cliche elements you expect to see in a vampire movie. I don't want to go too detailed about this here since I find this part so fascinating for me since I didn't read the book, so witnessing the characters' appearance this way plays a very important part and reason to why I am so crazy about this movie. Given that the most fascinating part of vampires are simply their characteristics, appearance and whatnot. So I'll leave this awesome part out for you to find it out yourself! XD Well, the story was adapted from a another teenage romance love novel but instead of seeing the fangs, sinking into necks of beautiful woman, bloody and all... it's a pretty subtle blend of cool romance. Which... could be something refreshing? (or maybe I'm just so blinded) A lot of mixed up feelings between two immortal and mortal kind of "Romeo & Juliet" story. (as the reviews and media press comments call it) An indifferent teenager, Isabella Swan who moves to a small rainy town and fell in love with a vampire, Edward Cullen who wants to kill her all the time for lusting for her blood and yet, in love with the 'person' itself at the same time. A little mind blogging isn't it? Oh well, this kind of frustrating complication of emotions and feelings are what we girls love most... no? XD
Okay, second honest confession... I was drooling over this guy. Robert Pattinson whom I later found out that he was also the one who played Cedric in Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire. (the one who died in the end. *correction* the handsome one who died in the end) *dies out of hyperventilation* Argh... it triggered all my fangirl senses back!! And It could be bad thing TT.
So I was talking about me getting hooked, I went to the bookstore and grabbed the 1st book today, "Twilight". In a set of 4, the other 3 were "New Moon", "Eclipse" and "Breaking Dawn". And apparently according to Wikipedia, if published, "Midnight Sun" will be a retelling of the first book, from Edward Cullen's point of view. I had the urge and rush to get all four of them! but blessing in this guise, I didn't due to my current financial constraining status TT
Anyway! That's all fangirl enthusiasm release for now... I want to get to my book indulgence a.s.a.p! XD nights y'all!
Half way through my pack of smokes. I feel more depressing than ever about my current state of looks when I reflected myself (naked face), looking more haggard than ever.
Oh gawd.
Permanent shades that is.
Not to mention killing my lungs and health faster too.
It's back to square one.
Just when I thought I have a whole new thought and change of plans of my life. I see more future and opportunity for my career... and life. I told myself, nevermind the stress, nevermind the tough work of juggling more than TWO things at work, nevermind the physical stress of the long distance drive, despite waking up at 6am every morning at sleeping approx. 5 hours every night... it's okay.
No joke, I began to lose my appetite (don't ask me why). I still feel hungry, yes. But it's so forceful I had to shove food down my throat every meal. It's like a chore. Then I lose concentration at work. I can't work. I can't focus, so I can't write good and perform at my best. It could be... (surprise) stress?
Then I started to lose my mind. I was cheated RM50 on my way to the mall nearby after a lousy day at work, to meet up with a friend who promised to cheer me up that day. I paid a RM100 note (that's what I was left with) for a RM10 fare. I took RM40 of change and left the VERY rude Indian taxi driver's cab.
"That was it. Enough." I told myself. I can't help it but broke down when I spoke to dad on the phone. His words were surprisingly very comforting. "Looks like no matter how much I tell myself I could do this as long as I stay strong, there are things that I really can't get control of... I don't know what I'm doing anymore." He replied, "There are never a time where we could get a 100% control of all situations in life. Things like that happen. I told you, if you can't take it anymore, don't push yourself so hard. Take a deep breath, relax. Okay?"
I felt much better.
So 'he' came. He spotted me, came and greeted the 'me' with a cigg then.
Benn: You look so different.
Manda: (laughs) How different?
Benn: Not the Manda I used to know?
Manda: Hmm? Like how lar??
Benn: Always full of energy.
Manda: :)
Thank god I have friends. Yes, all of you.
You all make my fucked up days all... not so 'fucked up' anymore.
I love you all :)
Then when I feel a little more lightened up, I told him, "Oh well. *shrugs* I'll (try) to look at the bright side? I bought 'this' decision from that asshole taxi driver for RM50. XD"
To leave my job that is. And I did.
Main reasons?
Bah.
Long, complicated, very un-called for story. Save the SHITS here, back to my 'webbed' feet eh, Juno?
So... now what? :3
I bounced back and forth, left to right and back and forth again.. now back to square one.
Jobless... and... lost + a little blue once in a while. Since I got to feed my new 'baby' now. My not so new, 2nd hand Getz. XD
Yup. My very own car ^^ ahh.. I'll snap a picture of it soon and update this entry here. Well I got another new member in the family to feed. Whom will most probably eat more than I do :P Like what Benn says.
Wish me luck with my yet again new start from now? What's gonna happen next? What to do, what to do?
"Life is like a box of chocolates (alright)"
*Back to my long procrastinated writing I promised someone. Sheesh.
I called it stopped. Not just once, Not just twice. It was repeated from my lips...
Out of breath, Out of redemption; Partly helpless, Partly still... very afraid.
With much disinclination, From his physical strength, From his inner desires; He was much reluctant to let go...
Sadly, Very sadly, It wasn't because he wanted me for me; He just wanted 'it'... Just then, Just there.
One of the many seven, Has almost, Very nearly, Over taken me...
The one by the name of 'Lust', Has graveled me greatly; I had once again fallen, To the hands of sin.
I could feel my insides sink, I could feel the lump in my throat hard to swallow, I could feel I am stopping something strong, I could feel the weight I have increased... To the scathe I have done to myself.
"Drive me home", Guts spilled; Uttered words I couldn't forgive my foolishness, I left the car... Finally.
Back in my own sanctuary, Then I felt, Like I could see, My heart on the floor...
Covered in red, Covered in pain; Still beating...
This time, I know, I couldn't tear no more...
I reached for the window, "I want it to rain", I said; Then I rested my soul, And myself, On my bed.
Eyes closed, Thoughts fluctuated.
Then I heard, Very sudden, And very heavy patters...
It didn't help in making the sorrows on my face go away, It didn't help in making the pain inside go away, It certainly didn't and wouldn't help, In making the wounds go away... Ever.
But, I felt... A little, Just a little... Slightly, Better...
I really love this guy. Unquestionably talented. Charming. An amazing actor.
It was shocking and upsetting to learn about his death. And it brought me even more skeptical thoughts and questions to have learned about the tragic ending of his life right after role playing 'The Joker' in "The Dark Knight" - 2008.
To grasp the life of a psycho and dwell in such awful sadism; who feels no fear, who lives his life with no rules. A 'clown' who casts a smile on faces with his razor wand.
I tried fitting a foot (in this case, I meant by only imagining) into the shoe of this horrifying man, 'The Joker' - as an actor, and for the love of embracing different lives in one body- If it was I, to adopt such a maniacal character, it might be too overwhelming and empowering... I might begin to know 'it' so well or worse, to actually fall in love with the other 'me' so much, even more than I ever knew myself and loved myself so much that I doubt if I could ever retrieve myself from it ever again.
I shivered in disturbance; yet disturbed by the cold loneliness.
I sat back... and then straight up, eyes glued to the glowing screen in the dark hall, along with other audiences, whom were as concentrated in the movie... while clenching my fists and occasionally my teeth with more deep frowns on my forehead...
I watched this demented villain throughout and till the end of the show filled with pain in my heart.
So, that means I have to be there 45 mins before the check-in time closes. I can't sleep last night. (well, if you consider heading off to bed half an hour before the time that I have to wake up is still called a 'sleep'? or rather... a nap?)
*argh*
I was in borders yesterday, killing my time away in the Gardens Mid Valley since I had no where else to go then and finished a short story from this book of ghost stories which I can't remember the name. By a Singaporean named Andrew Lim. And yes, I was thinking about the story all the time when I closed my eyes and I couldn't sleep TT (stupid me)
So yea, this explains why I have gotten myself ready so early before time and had enough spare to time write on my blog XD *bah*
Wish me a safe and fun trip to Langkawi y'all! XD tata's~
