Good ol' 'tiny' days

A friend tagged me this photo on Facebook. And then I found two more friends I was once really close to back then.  

Spot me :)

Back to Square One. Fuck the fucked up days. yay.

Half way through my pack of smokes. I feel more depressing than ever about my current state of looks when I reflected myself (naked face), looking more haggard than ever. 

Oh gawd.

Permanent shades that is.

Not to mention killing my lungs and health faster too.

It's back to square one. 

Just when I thought I have a whole new thought and change of plans of my life. I see more future and opportunity for my career... and life. I told myself, nevermind the stress, nevermind the tough work of juggling more than TWO things at work, nevermind the physical stress of the long distance drive, despite waking up at 6am every morning at sleeping approx. 5 hours every night... it's okay.

No joke, I began to lose my appetite (don't ask me why). I still feel hungry, yes. But it's so forceful I had to shove food down my throat every meal. It's like a chore. Then I lose concentration at work. I can't work. I can't focus, so I can't write good and perform at my best. It could be... (surprise) stress?

Then I started to lose my mind. I was cheated RM50 on my way to the mall nearby after a lousy day at work, to meet up with a friend who promised to cheer me up that day. I paid a RM100 note (that's what I was left with) for a RM10 fare. I took RM40 of change and left the VERY rude Indian taxi driver's cab. 

"That was it. Enough." I told myself. I can't help it but broke down when I spoke to dad on the phone. His words were surprisingly very comforting. "Looks like no matter how much I tell myself I could do this as long as I stay strong, there are things that I really can't get control of... I don't know what I'm doing anymore." He replied, "There are never a time where we could get a 100% control of all situations in life. Things like that happen. I told you, if you can't take it anymore, don't push yourself so hard. Take a deep breath, relax. Okay?"

I felt much better. 

So 'he' came. He spotted me, came and greeted the 'me' with a cigg then. 

Benn: You look so different.

Manda: (laughs) How different?

Benn: Not the Manda I used to know?

Manda: Hmm? Like how lar??

Benn: Always full of energy.

Manda: :)

Thank god I have friends. Yes, all of you. 

You all make my fucked up days all... not so 'fucked up' anymore.

I love you all :)

Then when I feel a little more lightened up, I told him, "Oh well. *shrugs*  I'll (try) to look at the bright side? I bought 'this' decision from that asshole taxi driver for RM50. XD"

To leave my job that is. And I did.

Main reasons? 

Bah. 

Long, complicated, very un-called for story. Save the SHITS here, back to my 'webbed' feet eh, Juno?

So... now what? :3 

I bounced back and forth, left to right and back and forth again.. now back to square one. 

Jobless... and... lost + a little blue once in a while. Since I got to feed my new 'baby' now. My not so new, 2nd hand Getz. XD 

Yup. My very own car ^^ ahh.. I'll snap a picture of it soon and update this entry here. Well I got another new member in the family to feed. Whom will most probably eat more than I do :P  Like what Benn says. 

Wish me luck with my yet again new start from now? What's gonna happen next? What to do, what to do?

"Life is like a box of chocolates (alright)"

*Back to my long procrastinated writing I promised someone. Sheesh.

 

I want it to rain

I called it stopped.
Not just once,
Not just twice.
It was repeated from my lips...

Out of breath,
Out of redemption;
Partly helpless,
Partly still... very afraid.

With much disinclination,
From his physical strength,
From his inner desires;
He was much reluctant to let go...

Sadly,
Very sadly,
It wasn't because he wanted me for me;
He just wanted 'it'...
Just then,
Just there.

One of the many seven,
Has almost,
Very nearly,
Over taken me...

The one by the name of 'Lust',
Has graveled me greatly;
I had once again fallen,
To the hands of sin.

I could feel my insides sink,
I could feel the lump in my throat hard to swallow,
I could feel I am stopping something strong,
I could feel the weight I have increased...
To the scathe I have done to myself.

"Drive me home",
Guts spilled;
Uttered words I couldn't forgive my foolishness,
I left the car...
Finally.

Back in my own sanctuary,
Then I felt,
Like I could see,
My heart on the floor...

Covered in red,
Covered in pain;
Still beating...

This time,
I know,
I couldn't tear no more...

I reached for the window,
"I want it to rain",
I said;
Then I rested my soul,
And myself,
On my bed.

Eyes closed,
Thoughts fluctuated.

Then I heard,
Very sudden,
And very heavy patters...

It didn't help in making the sorrows on my face go away,
It didn't help in making the pain inside go away,
It certainly didn't and wouldn't help,
In making the wounds go away...
Ever.

But,
I felt...
A little,
Just a little...
Slightly,
Better...

Mandy & Mandy; Mommy & Strawberries

To first cut-out all the disappointments and despair of the overall break I've been having... T.T let's not talk about how far and different the results have been from the expected and ruled-out plan.

Not forgetting to mention my loyal friend whom lingered for a good-long-period of time by the name of 'pyrexia' (also known as pyrexia, from the Greek pyretos meaning fire, or a febrile response, from the Latin word febris, meaning fever, and archaically known as ague) - wikipedia a.k.a 'fever'; in short, I was sick. And I still am. Thanks to the tonsils on my throat, the fever kept coming back.

So it has not been very productive this break... but.. oh well, I did manage to visit Cameron Highlands, at least :P

Since it is actually where mom is from, so my aunt, uncle and my two cousin brothers are also there. My eldest cousin brother Draven, was very hospitable the whole time. He brought us out for lunch, dinner and whatnot most of the time... and even introduced us to his girls XD but I only managed to snap photos of only one of them... ><

Aunty was carrying the mini poodle walking up hill in Strawberry Farm where mom and I was waiting for our Strawberry Waffle with Ice Cream.

Mandy: (saw the dog and started shrieking) Eeee!!! SO cuuuuttte!! XD
Mom: Eeee!! Yeaa!! So obedient wan?? (looking at Aunt)
Aunt: Yea.. she is quite the obedient one among the three. (there were 2 more at their home)

And then Aunt handed the dog to cousin brother.

Mandy: Can I carry her?? Will she let me? (looking at Draven)
Draven: Yea, you can. She's fine :)

Cuddling her happily until cousin brother started calling 'her' name...

Draven: Mandy~ Mandy~ Man-man...~

Mandy: (face in horror) Mandy??!!!
Draven: Yea... ??
Mandy: o_O ... that would be my nameee~~~!!

And then everybody laughed.
Ha - ha.


Mandy & Mandy

She was seriously using trying all her might to escape from me. Guess she didn't feel the 'connection' for sharing the same name like I did ><>

The yummy but a little oh-too-sweet Strawberry Waffle with Ice Cream :3

Mommy + Strawberry

Mandy + Strawberry

Hills of the Tea Plantation


Mandy enjoying her windy ride. Apparently she loves it...

Sooo much that if Aunt weren't there to hold on tight to her legs she would've performed a pretty good flying-dawg-off-the-tea-farm-hills and come rolling down.
*sarcastic hand-claps*

Mom, Me, Mandy & Aunt. (she just wouldn't look at the cam. *hmph*)

And this rather silly pic of me is taken by mom when she saw me doing yet another silly expression over the cooling environment which really made me very reluctant to move an inch out of my bed and blanket... not to even mention going into the shower TT

Oh well, overall it was a very pleasant trip. I love the weather so much I was a little reluctant to leave for the scorching hot KL. *sigh* but look at the bright side! Honestly, too much of the lovely weather over there... might only end up making me wanna eat more and MORE and more... and stay in bed allll day... so... maybe not that of a good idea after all :P

Ahh! 11 more days and I'm back to work! T.T

*wish me more luck? I'll need it*

Here 'I' go again.

Good morning 'World'.

I have broken my sleeping record. About 20 hours straight the night before. And no sleep at all last night. XD

Looks like I am returning to the 'Freak-Manda' back in college days battling in between assignments and life. Heh. Not that I'm saying this is a good thing... but, I feel more like myself. Rather than the routine-paced-robotic-figure waking up at the same time every morning, go to work, lunch, long hours at work, dinner, then even longer hours, and sometimes slot in supper AND some more hours then only head home. This kinda life only suffocates me in no time. But again, I know, life is but a routine after all. I can't be running and flying around astray forever no matter how much I would love to. There is one day that I have to learn how to grow these legs and land. But meanwhile, it's still too soon to the find the right ground to land if I don't be a freak to roam around and search for it first, no? XD So let's just 'fly' for now!

These rebellious behaviours give me a sense of freedom. At least I am breaking the structures and rules again. Strangely, only these kinda living patterns give me inspiration. Really. That is why I am writing now after all that while.Well, these kinda impulsive and undisciplined acts happen for a reason. Like... I am troubled? Very likely. So I am going to make an important decision today. And that will break into some freedom for me. I think I deserve a break before I pump-up my power and continue my road ahead, no? I haven't really gotten a proper well-deserved holiday since I finished my hell-college days, I have jumped straight to hell-reality-working-world.

Graduation Ceremony on the 26th April 2008, last Saturday was pretty awesome ^^ followed by a crazy After Party at Bar Celona, Sunway Pyramid 2. It was great to see the wacko fellow design mates again and then go wild after all the hell-days in college. The ceremony itself was... well.. how should I say this, as usual... fun but kinda stupid XD it's just typical The One Academy style of everything. With the Giant Plush Teddy Bear (our Principal) with shattered English unprepared speech, the funny song they picked when we went up to receive our scrolls which made my worries of tripping while going up and down the steps worse (it was every girls worry and fear!) and just like how the 'this guy' would direct us to take the group photographs on stage saying "Give more space to the others. COMPRESS more" .... ?!?!?!? (Compress??)

Overall, it was memorable and I had fun =D






















That's a picture of Graduate-Teddy & Porky-bun 'Manda at The One Academy's Graduation Ceremony at Sheraton Subang, 26th April 2008. More pictures to come on the next entry.

And now I gotta get ready for work. =) Wish me luck!

This Penang Trip

So it was 4 days after Christmas. Now that I remember, seeing the date on the edited pink tortoise picture(for this is an unforgivable LATE post). It was another cannot-afford-anywhere-further-but-we-still-need-a-holiday trip, to Penang. So since there's nothing much other than the non-exciting slithering reptilians in a temple, the sleeping buddha, the bridge? and more temples... there is of course (the best of all things in Penang) -> F O O D.

But honestly... there really isn't much to say about them other then muttering "good, good. very nice." while spitting bits of food from my mouth when eating the famous kuey teow, laksa, cendol, (you name it). There is something more, something better and unforgettable about this trip.

Dad's friend from Penang, Uncle Tony met up with us (my family and I). Brought us around for the best Hou Jien (fried oyster) and what not. And then, he mentioned about having 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. 3, 4 and 5. "Do-Re-Mi" he said. I don't dislike kids. Not anymore at least. I have grown to love them, especially after I started tutoring. But I still don't fancy 'every' kid. You just can't. Trust me. But then he said to me with utmost assurance in his tone, Uncle Tony, "I am sure you will love them".
And I did. We all did.

2 beautiful girls, Francesca, Eveanna (not sure how to spell her name) Geez, why didn't i ask her? stupid. And Clarence (the little one)

This is Francesca. The eldest, sweet, very obedient, a very good girl. (above)
And Eveanna, (below)


And that will be Clarence. (above)


Absolutely unforgettable.

Rewind: B'day & X'mas 2007

Things just came and gone like a 'swish' and then a 'swoosh' altogether. So speedy I could hardly catch up. I turned 21. I have graduated. Christmas and New Year is over too. And now I am just dumping my pics everywhere in this entry for this one whole section of 2007. (before we move on that is)
Oh yea. And not forgetting my Penang trip towards the very end of last year. (this would be on the next entry)
=) enjoy.



















I had my my 21st bash at home. Most of my dear friends from everywhere possible came.. It was quite a blast. Despite the tiny bit feeling of embarrassment for doing the old skool birthday song, and food as the 'main' thing of the whole party.




















Zmun & I. Mian Yee & I.















Jenn & I.















Juno, Jeff & I.

And now the presents..















When they were still all in bags..















And here are some of the lovely gifts... These I took in the morning.. like 8 or 9 am. After coming back from BarFlam at Sunway and the yumcha & supper sessions. I was still awake after the long night. So long yet so quick it has passed. There were these really sweet deliciously smelling Strawberry and Cranberry bath set from Body Shop. A feminine, fresh and sweet L'Occitane Eu De Toilette. And finally... my long waited Black XS Paco Rabanne perfume!! It has this wild, mysterious yet sexy and a hint of deep dark sweetness scent. Omg, I just can't stop smelling myself with all these fragance on me! And then I wondered.. what's with all these perfume and body soaps for me now? Do I smell THAT BAD that I need them so desperately in these amount? -_-" *hmph*















On the way home from BarFlam. Canice & I.















And then the very next day, It was time to bid farewell to Azeem once again. He came all the way to KL from Sabah to attend my big day! *hugs* Not only that.. He brought me this friend.. In a slightly crumpled box who fled with him on the plane.. Who's dark.. Has HUGE red eyes..















(I really couldn't help but take more and more peeps before I finally couldn't resist and.. opened it.)











































It's Charco! A DooDoll! He's under my horoscope, Sagittarius that has almost very compatible attributes that I do! *lol* He looks utterly, blur+adorable.
























Thanks to Azeem once again. Lots of love, silly u! ^^




















My xmas was quiet..chilly and memorable =) *nudges Omar* This one is one of the magnificent fairie trees in Mid Valley. After some effects from my phone that is. Looks even dreamier to me now. Love it.

Expired - Part 1(Redang)

It's a pity if I am not going to share my last term break's lovely holidays and trips after those hectic workloads (though nothing compared to this term) oh well, but those trips were wonderful and satisfying, not posting up the pretty/'stupid-looking faces' (that's me) pictures (at least) would be really really sad. ^^ So here it is..
*note: yes, this is pretty outdated but who cares? XD

Pulau Redang - 2/5/2007
















While waiting for the 'very bumpy' boat. Pui Yee, Pei Chyi & I.





























Up and there I go!
The boat ride from the jetty to the island was incredibly, unbelievable bumpy and actually got me really excited and I was actually enjoying it XD it was FUN! It bumps, and jumps and almost flying in the air bumping on the surface of the sea and waves. Not forgetting occasionally we would get splashes of salty sea water all over our faces! *lol* I guess the others were getting really sea sick but I think I choose this over a roller-coaster ride. XD































Once we arrived, we cannot resist not strolling along the beach can we? Accompanied by the strong wind. All giggling and splashing. ^^

A Slot Missing.

I've wanted to blog a few entries some time back. Was getting annoyed why couldn't I upload any pictures so I decided to just screw it and forget about blogging. But then I've always had this urge to share.. or maybe to "open up" just because I am sick of keeping it all inside me and the risk the chances of exploding my head when I am crossing the street one day.. Well, okay.. so this "pretty saviour" came to my rescue.. a few hours ago.. If it makes u happy -_-" and so here they are ^^ new pics of my new hair (not so nice now) and taken with my new phone! Finally! (applause).

This were taken..*hmm*(thinks) on 4th March. A night before I need to hand in my logo sketches for my Corporate Identity class. Was terribly tired after staying up without sleep for many nights. To be seen in pictures STILL in this condition.. I am amazing! XD

Oh well.. Almost. XP







































































And then it was CNY days before that..
So this oinks were at the corner tables watching "us" gamble most of the time..




































And "THESE" oinks.. were busy cam-whoring with my new Nokia 5300 XD ok lar. Just ME! *hmph*





































Well.. Many things "seemed" to have happened". But not in the most oblivious way. Even I sub-conciously let it pass me by and tell myself that I hv NOT notice that. Which, seems very contradicting, no? I have thought.. I have been happier lately after I have lifted something off my shoulders and moved on. And then things around me keep progressing at their on pace and then.. I felt.. Left out. Left behind. And thought.. Shit. Now, I'm envious. Why? Have I been spending THAT much time on something that I had all my hopes, strength and even my heart in and realized that in the end.. I am left with nothing?

So what was that all about? Dream?? I wish! Then it means I have only used a few hours to result to this amount of dissapoinment and NOT crushing my hopes and in the end be reminded that I have to go on and start all over again with new BLANK hopes and whatever has happened, was all only in your head darling Amanda. It's time to wake up.

This may sound stupid and I might just get things like "It's okay, the sad times will soon pass and then will soon be over and u'll be happy again." "You will get what you want someday."
Someday.
It's all about hopes isn't it? BAH.
It's alright to sleep this over and look at the glaring sun the next morning. It's alright. Yup. Of course. But once in a while.. It will just *PANG* and then I will *OW* be reminded. So it is now a walking smiling human being beaming at u in the morning when she sees you but she has this empty slot in her heart. Pretty cool eh? ^^

Just maybe.. IF now I actually try the REVERSE. If I stop hoping. And actually totally give this up.. It will come to me eventually? Well, things always come to you when u least expect of them right? Haha.
-_-" I am contradicting myself again. (Am I not FREAKIN, sub-conciously HOPING already when I said that??!!) ARGH.















I have wasted much time again. CNY is over. It is now March, quarter of 2007 gone. Am turning 21 this year. Am having a stiff-neck now and I'm using "Yoko-yoko".

I am still the same. Pretty much. I still work till late nights... Okay let me re-phrase that. I STILL start working only at late nights. And now instead of taking light naps or (power-naps) which is Juno's favourite source of joke-making *, I now take.. *drum rolls* C O F F E E ! Surprise. Well, I did not mention anything about "IMPROVEMENTS" did I?? XD At least I am getting my work done!

And guess what?? Now it is time to do that! 1:53 am! Perfect! XD

*waves Goodnight* =)

p/s: Here I confess, I REALLY love you people who REALLY read my blog. *hugs*